Exciting, Not Terribly New

I have lived in mommy mode since about a year before my actual becoming a mother. I have some friends who would attest I have been the 'mom' for much longer -- and they may be right, senilia is setting in so I can't reliably opine one way or the other -- but I know it kicked in with actual motherhood.

I'm the person who counts people on dives. Before the dive, during the dive, after the dive, before the boat leaves. I'm the person who wants to reassure herself that you're ok to drive. That you've ate enough. That you have the resources you need. That you have, for example, firewood or a vinegar mother or that you understand how to balance your 401k. I am *so not the person* to tell your problems to... unless your mom doesn't try to solve your problems; mine does, so if you tell me yours I will tell you how to fix them.

(This hasn't given me any ability to solve mine own, mind you: it's like psychic tendencies or being a muse; apparently it doesn't work locally, only externally).

"She will solve all your problems"-- someone said this about me (recently). I'm not sure (still) how I feel about it. In some ways it's true: I'll damn well try. If I like you. If I don't you can go solve your own problems, there's slighly over 6 billion people on this planet and I'm not mothering them all. But if I think you're worthy of the effort I'll extend the hand. The only difference, I suppose, is how much the hand is extended and how frankly the advice is, too. The original quote probably had its share of snark associated with it -- the fact of the matter is I am incapable of solving all problems, else I would be a Minor Diety or at least a Dictatrix-- but the original intent was, I believe, humor and support.

I think this comes (and this will be a real skull-sweating, mind-twisting event for some) from my concept of "love". Love can be defined via eros or agape, in this case I mean agape (or Love, 4a, as Merriam-Webster cites it): unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. Heinlein put it better: "When someone else's happiness is mandatory to your own." I like it because it covers both familial love and fraternal love and amital love, as well as the more hallmark-defined, jeweler-sanctioned romantic love. (Dear Tom Shane: as a Mother, former Wife, current Girlfriend, and Independent Woman: Please Shut Up.) You will notice how this concept of love leaves plenty open the option to love many, love few, love one, love none: if you're extremely selfish then you have that option; although I can't name a single person who fits that definition that I spend any amount of time with.

I once heard someone try to define love as "I will let myself go so that you may live" vs. "bottle this feeling": that was unequivocably in address to romantic love, which I have a fundamental problem with. That is: why must it be any different? Isn't romantic love just the presence of "love" for someone, unrelated to you (unless you're, you know, in Arkansas or something), with that "eros" bit thrown in? "Eros" is relatively easy to come by; the "agape" in conjunction with it is much more rare. Is one facile for stating that the combination of "eros" and "agape" equals "love" in the spirit of the definition listed by that person? I think the combination of "eros" and "agape", plus a healthy self-interest and heady fascination, equals "bottle this feeling". "I will let myself go that you may live" is taking it to another level: would you, in fact, DIE (willingly, voluntarily, without regret or hesitance) for that person to which you will(have) cleave(d)?

Certainly any mother here would, for her child. Yes, motherhood is that strong. I don't recall however having gone through that thought process though with anyone: most of the time it's been the willingness to off someone else and/or dispose of their body (with the purported person of amorousness) that defined the gravity of the love (familial, amital, or romantic).What does it say about me, then, I wonder, that I first gravitate to discussion of the gravitas of love based on the offing of someone else, rather than myself?  

Well, I'm Italian. There is that.